“You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is, even if we’re apart…I’ll always be with you.” ― A.A. Milne, Winnie the Pooh Library
So anyone else on January 1st think that 2020 was going to be an epic year? I had a year of full on adventures planned, my diary was full, my backpack packed. I was ready for my best year yet. Then a global pandemic happened and we weren’t allowed out the house for ten weeks, I mean even mystic meg didn’t see that shit happening. I have to admit I am blessed with the ability to adjust quickly (it has taken years of trauma to get to this point) and despite living alone I think I have not only handled lock down well but everything else that was thrown at me during this time such as my dad dying and my sister getting Covid-19. The ability to adjust quickly and stay positive isn’t a trait I take for granted and was the start of me really “being me”
I am braver than I think!
If you follow my social accounts you would have seen from day 2 of lock down I started during silly things the first of which was me bin dipping in my wheelie bin. My daily activities soon turned to videos becoming more and more outrageous, I even filmed videos on the day my dad died and his funeral day. I internally started them to keep myself entertained (I also got dumped a week before lock down so was feeling pretty damn low). Within a week and over 500 dms later I realised that I was helping others, the pouring of love I received for adding a smile to peoples lives was like a drug. If me doing these videos and my insta stories was helping others through this difficult time I wasn’t going to stop. For a year I have been considering doing insta stories but the idea alone was enough to send me into a fit of terror!! I am unique (in the most wonderful way, well I think so) and was so worried that others wouldn’t get it or that I would look stupid or get loads of hate messages but literally the day lock down started I thought fuck it and haven’t stopped since.
The world still goes on!
Nature doesn’t give a fuck whether we are allowed out or not, in fact it probably likes us being in more!! Not just nature but lives still go on, deaths, births, weddings….the world does go on even if we stop for a little while.
Grief isn’t constant, sometimes it hits you in line at the supermarket.
The only real death I have ever known is that of my grandparents two when I was really too young to remember and two in the last few years which devastated me but with words of wisdom and honest chats with my dad I was able to come to terms with in a healthy way. Losing my dad during lock down is one of the hardest things I have ever been through, some days I will be fine, others I will have a ten minute cry in the mornings and go on about my day. And then there are the days when I will be going about my day and all of sudden regardless of where I am I will burst into tears. I have lost count of the number of times I have burst into tears at the staff at the Marks and Spencers checkout. It has been hard not being able to be around people during this time but in the same vain lockdown has given me the time needed to start to come to terms with it. I have no pressure what so ever to “pull myself together” for work or for other commitments.
Sometimes its just better to start!
Going plastic free is an idea I have been toying with for about a year now, worried I had no idea what I was talking about or doing I kept putting it off. Lockdown has made me realise that its better to just start and learn as you go. I used to be “wait until its perfect to start” kinda girl now anytime is the perfect start. I may never get it right but its more right then never starting.
What makes me beautiful isn’t how I look!
Which is a good thing because honestly during lockdown I have looked like a raggerty sheep that has been dragged through a hedge backwards on a windy day! Despite it being 2020 there is still a lot of pressure on women to look a certain way, pressure that I would normally buy into it. 3 months ago I would never have considered going for than 4 weeks without having my hair done, weekly eyebrow appointment, not to mention manicures and pedicures. I will not be going back to a live of never ending beauty and hair appointments. I have used my social media to address my ever growing roots and eyebrows because naturally this is how I look. So really I don’t look like a raggety sheep I just look like me and that is more than ok. How I look on the outside doesn’t stop how much I smile or how I glow from the inside out.
Painting turns the world off.
I am first to admit that when it comes to my phone I am rarely without it, it takes a lot for me to put it down, add on top of that having three jobs and my life is pretty much non stop. On a whim I went online and bought some painting supplies and low and behold I put my phone down for 12 hours and really enjoyed being in the moment. Going back to “normal” life is going to be a struggle for my time management but I am determined to keep painting at least once a week! Who knows maybe I will get good at it and be able to do it full time!
My niece is everything.
I think child are amazing, do I want my own, nope! I am forever fun auntie Emma with the good snacks. My niece turned three last week and she has such a strong personality. I used to be so busy that I was missing out on so much. Lockdown has taught me to slow down and make time for the things that really are important.
Me and my sister can get on for more than ten minutes,
I love my sister to death in the sense I would kill for her but actually don;t want to spend too much time with her. We are and have always been very different in every aspect. In our teens we could have killed each other as we have aged we have mellowed but still remain different.
Only you know your own heart & peer pressure affects you at every age!
It is super easy in the age of social media and chick flicks to get swept up in “dating rules” but when it comes down to it, only you can make the right choices for you. For me this involves giving my ex a second chance, normally I would be all “hes no good for me” “men don’t deserve more than one chance” etc etc. Now I am able to see things differently including the fact that I am not a perfect person and without realising it I can be very toxic in relationships, something I am working on. It might all end in tears but honestly without the peer pressure from others about what I should and shouldn’t be doing. It might end in tears but right now it is very chilled and happy.
I am loved more then I ever knew!
I had built a life pre covid-19 that was so packed from morning to night that it felt fulfilled, looking back now I am not sure if it was at all! More that I was just too busy to notice anything different. With the death of my dad and being alone in lockdown I have been overwhelmed by the amount of support I have received from people in my life. As much as I hate to admit this, I guess I took everything for granted before. I think it was a mixture of low self esteem and being too busy to notice how I was feeling plus the over thinking that maybe I wasn’t good enough. I have learnt that I am not an island that not only do I need people I want people in my life. I want to hug my friends, enjoys walks and giggles together.