“There was a phantom woman in my mind that I was comparing myself to, and I had to force her from the dressing room. When she was gone, I looked at my body, the body that had kept me alive for nearly thirty years, without any serious health problems, the body that had taken me where I needed to go and protected me. I had never appreciated or loved the body that had done so much for me. I had thought of it as my enemy, as nothing more than a shell that enclosed my real self, but it wasn’t a shell. The body was me. This is your real life. You’re already living it. I removed the clothes and stood naked before the mirrors, turning this way and that. I was round and cute in a way I’d never seen before.” – Sarai Walker
So I am onto my second week, still don’t really know how to describe this post, where as I have been obsessed in the past with fitness and basically self hating this is not that and I hope never to be in that place again. I have finally started a new chapter of self love and wanted to document it and as if having a normal and fashion Instagram wasn’t enough I decided to set a third one up! emmas_happy_healthy_world is a celebration of me loving my body! I have literally spent the last 34 years picking myself apart, self hating and punishing my body instead of celebrating and loving it! In the last six months I have gained weight, my body shape has completely changed and my mental health around my body has made an unrecognisable change.
I will never be the girl with the flat stomach, I will never have abs! My stretch marks may fade but will always be there! My scars will be a constant reminder not of the time I almost died but the time I survived! And it’s taken me 34 years to realise this might be the case but… I am the girl who orders the whole dessert menu, likes her tummy rubbed after eating the whole dessert menu! I am the girl who’s rounded tummy protected her vital organs, who’s tummy jiggles when she laughs!
For the first time in my whole life I hiked in my sports bra unafraid of people’s judgement! I stopped and chatted to other walkers without the urge to breath in! I didn’t quickly cover up when I felt people looking! I didn’t feel the need to apologise or hide away! I happily hiked with a smile on my face because honestly I was bloody hot! Age and perspective are beautiful things! I realise to so many people this may sound stupid and it might be but I have literally spent my whole life hiding my stomach. I have been to plastic surgeons about my stomach and spent hours and hours crying over it. To me this is one of the biggest steps in my life and I hope I do it again!
It has taken me a very long time to discover exactly who I am, what I care about and how I want to grow! Since that light bulb moment I haven’t looked back however there are times when I feel a little sad that it took me so long to get to this point but then I remind myself that life is a journey and without that time I might not have ended up here.
Remember when you were a teen and the thought of anyone seeing you without make up was the most horrifying thought! My spent my teens with the tell tale orange line around my jaw, lilac eye shadow and black lipstick! It was a look! You just wanted to cover up your teenage skin!
I have been very blessed with my skin and I realise how having bad skin can really knock self confidence and bring out other people’s judgement! Now that I am older I love days that are make up free! It is a rare occasion for me to wear make up at the weekend, instead I prefer my face bare and how it naturally is! Pale eyebrows, bags under my eyes and the ever growing wrinkles around my forehead. I don’t want to regress to my teenager years and live in fear of other people’s judgement!
Does anyone else find just being outside is the best medicine. Whether that is hiking or laying in the grass soaking the sun up like a cat. Everything about nature excites me, the sunshine, the moonlight, the sea, forest, the pissing colour green! When I was younger all I wanted to do was live in the city, now that I am older, all I want to do is live in a tent in the country! Age is a wonderful thing!
For at least a week or two I had been having a pain in my right thigh while walking, after two weeks and a lot of tears I decided I best go to see a doctor and turns out I have some ligament damage (I knew exercise was bad for me). The best advance he could give me was rest, of course I didn’t rest I went straight out for a walk! Luckily that broke me, this was a week ago and don’t worry I have been resting since!
On a plus note, I went out in shorts! I can’t remember the last time I went out in anything above the knee. Since gaining weight my legs have gone from my favourite part to my least favourite! It just the shape, my cellulite has never ever bothered me, its part of being a human and happens to everyone! Its just my calf’s seem normal size and then my thighs seem to be out of proportion but hey again it happens! Although since I got nettled from my bum down I kinda regret the shorts!
“My weaknesses have always been food and men — in that order.” – Dolly Parton
Some days I eat vegatables and drink green tea or days I carve pizza and meat. These days I don’t deny myself, if I want something I have it! Life is too short, eat the pizza, drink the wine! Imagine getting to your death bed always having watched what you ate!
“When you see someone putting on his Big Boots, you can be pretty sure that an Adventure is going to happen.” -A.A. Milnie If it can be climbed or swam in, I will try it!! Leg update* Still bloody hurts!
As a person I have gone from drinking and eating at the weekend to hiking and smoothies! I must be the only person in the world who eats crap Monday to Friday and then is healthy at the weekend! But life is about balance my scales are just tripping slightly more unhealthy.