“In three words I can sum up everything I’ve learned about life: it goes on.” Robert Frost
It’s now a little over a year since I had my heart broken and I can finally say that I am ok in fact, I am better than ok I am great. If you had told me two years ago I was in a relationship with a narcissist I would have called you insane, I was in a happy relationship. Even now saying it out loud it doesn’t seem real, I couldn’t have been I would have known and the truth is I would have never known because I didn’t want to and I wouldn’t have accepted it if it wasn’t for his actions after he broke up with me. The check-ins when he is bored or lonely. The check-ins that happen a day or so after you see him back on bumble. The check-ins that are all on his terms, those moments when he senses you slipping away, he senses you forgetting about him and he reappears claiming to care about you but the truth is if he did care he would let you be. Its been two weeks now since I heard from him, it’s been two weeks since he said he missed me, it’s been two weeks since he said he cared about me. The only difference now from all the other times he has said it is I don’t care, he doesn’t miss me he misses hearing me saying that I miss him. Even writing this now, I feel guilty, half of me is worried I have gotten it wrong, as I write it I am making excuses for him.
Not everyone is on your team
But they will make you believe they are, they will champion the areas they want to while holding you back in others. This was probably one of the hardest things to spot, but anyone who has ever survived a narcissist will remember how quickly you get wrapped up in their world and not your own. The fact they are a narcissist also a big bloody clue they aren’t on your team!
Lesson:- Don’t ignore my wants and needs!
Ignoring your gut will drive your mind crazy!
Looking back it is so easy to remember all the niggles I had during the relationship, I would drive yourself crazy ignoring my gut because I was in love the whole time knowing my gut was screaming at me to get out.
Lesson:- Always lesson to my gut! ALWAYS!
You can’t please everyone!
And not every guy is the one, I wasn’t put on this planet to please anyone other than myself. A narcissist will make you feel bad for sticking up for yourself, you will be too much for them. I tried my hardest to please him, I would have done anything to make him happy including ignoring my own happiness but the truth is there is nothing I could have ever done, his happiness came from controlling me and while he had me trying to please him he was happy seeing me struggle.
Lesson:- If someone truly loves me then pleasing myself should make them happy!
You need to acknowledge the truth and forgive yourself.
It took me a long time to realise that my friends were right, the relationship wasn’t right and there was nothing I could have ever done to make it right. I had to forgive myself for wasting my time, I had to forgive myself for changing who I was for him. I had to forgive myself for not realising sooner he was a narcissist. I always had to forgive myself for all the times I replied to him after he broke up with me, this was the hardest lesson of all.
Lesson:- It’s ok to ignore someone, its ok to cut people out of your life without warning.
You need to accept the apology you will never get
A narcissist is never going to apologise for the things they did to you, as above you need to learn to forgive yourself. No amount of revenge will make the situation better if anything they will love it because it means they still have control over you. The best revenge is to move on and be happy.
Lesson:- Let go of hate, be happy, move on!
You teach yourself how to set firm boundaries
I do feel one of the positives to come out of it all is that myself worth has actually skyrocketed once I learnt that none of it was my fault. Knowing that has enabled me to set firm boundaries not just in my romantic relationships but in all my relationships. Actions which I would have tolerated previously, I no longer have time for now and I have become better equipt to communicate my needs and boundaries unapologetically.
Lesson:- It’s ok to say no, it’s ok to stand up for yourself.
Stronger then ever
I don’t know if it because I am now older but this has certainly been the heartbreak that changed me, its the one that improved my life the most. Its made me more aware of what I am looking for, what I don’t want and what I won’t tolerate. It pushed me to meet new people, challenge myself, treat myself. It has taught me more about self-care and love than any book could have.
Lesson:- Keep moving forward, you are doing great!