What a bloody year! Can you believe it is December 31st? I don’t think I have spoken to anyone who hasn’t had a rollercoaster of a year. Last December I remember being sat in a cafe in Paris with a man I thought I would be with forever talking about how I wanted 2018 to be the year where nothing changed, I wanted 2018 to be simple noneventful. After years of moving houses, career changes and boyfriend changes I needed 2018 to be settled and samey. Turns out the universe had other plans for me including breaking my heart, advancing in my career, meeting strong powerful women and a summer of adventures. Sometimes the things you think you don’t need are exactly the things you do need. I know it is a total cliche but this year has totally changed me as a person it has made me harder but opened me up to new people. My self-worth and self-confidence has skyrocketed and I have started to discover who I am as a woman.
I have zero shame in admitting for the last 34 years that I didn’t know who I was, and with the rise of “feminism” being the new social trend, Instagram showing “self-made” twentysomething millionaire women and in general a sea of beautiful, confident and wonderful women across all social media it can be scary to admit out loud that you don’t know where you fit in. It is really scary to be in your thirties and still not sure what it is you are meant to be doing with your life. Two weeks ago I was crying about dropping my chicken nuggets on the floor while drunk, my shit would seem to be anything but together. 2018 has given me a voice to say “fuck you” to the pressures of life, my shit is together and I am happy.
If you take me near a large body of water I am probably going to jump in and have a little swim. I cry when I drop my chicken nuggets. I am single partly from choice, partly because I have seriously high standards that are probably never going to be met. I fall asleep almost daily with a full face of makeup, I drink 500mls of water once a month, if that. I dress like an unsupervised 5year old. I drink 14 cups of coffee a day, when I am poorly I curl up and watch Jonathan Creek, I work far too many hours and eat far too much junk food. It has taken me 34 years to realise that this who I am, and although it doesn’t have some cool trendy name, it can’t be grouped into a trendy Instagram hashtag it is actually who I am, I am the thirty-something woman who from the outside looks like she hasn’t got her shit together. When actually my shit just looks different to most peoples and believe me it is together in this wonderful package of adventure, friends and mismatched socks.
So in 2018 I finally embraced all the wonderfully odd aspects of me, rightly or wrongly and I plan on yelling about them in 2019.
I am capable of moving mountains.
I still remember as if it was yesterday my year 11 form tutor telling me I was too stupid to even think about applying to college, that I should put my name down for a council house before ripping up my college application right in front of me. Now you are probably horrified after reading this but at the time I wasn’t, he was just another adult telling me I couldn’t do something because I wasn’t smart enough. I had spent my whole school life in the lower sets with no one believing in me. Luckily the only thing it did was put me a year behind. I sat my GCSE’s in all the lower sets to which I got the highest grades possible which at the time were all C’s. I spent the next year at college resitting them because I believed in me even if no one else did. I left with all A’s, followed by A-level sciences, 2 GNVQs and a degree. But still, I didn’t believe in my own abilities, I still didn’t believe I had what it took to land my dream job.
This time last year I walked into an interview for a job in which I had no experience and despite all my qualifications, I didn’t have the right ones for this job. But I walked into the interview like the job was mine, convinced if I got the job that I could at least work my arse off and prove that the job was for me. Turns out the job was for me and 12 months on I have my dream job, the hours are long and the stress is seriously intense, but I couldn’t be happier. In the 12 months, I have been working there I have never once doubted that I couldn’t do. I am faced with daily tasks to which I have no idea how to tackle, but I do, sometimes they take a little longer then they would take someone else but I figure it out in the end. The last 12 months has been a constant learning curve, there have been nights when I have had to have take away delivered to the office so I can catch up but I am living with my dream job. 2018 has taught me that /I am capable of moving the biggest mountains.
Time heals everything.
Ok not totally true, time heals everything that you allow it to. The truth is you have to give time a little helping hand. You have to learn to let go, you have to learn to move on and eventually time will fade the memories and fade the scars. Unfortunately, if you aren’t ready to heal then time will do fuck all. This year has taught me to let go of not only people but expectations too. I started the year madly in love and ending the year single, it was taken a long time to let go but now if our song comes on the radio it may get near the end before I even realise. I have cut toxic friends out of my life this year for my own sanity and despite it being my choice, it has still been hard and challenging but for the best. The problem is we are always in a rush and too impatient to let time do its job but the truth is that time passes anyway, it feels like two minutes ago since last new year but the amount I have managed to pack in the last 12 months gives time actually context.
Female friends are EVERYTHING
My need to fit in during my teens and twenties was certainly reflected in my choice of “friends”. For a while, I only had male friends because “girls just didn’t get me”. Then I had my party girls, I was surrounded by “friends” without any trace of meaningful friendship and certainly no one I could count on in an emergency. Unless the emergency was too much wine and not enough time to drink it. The last 12 months has introduced me to some amazing, powerful and strong-minded women. Women I am proud to say are my friends, friends that I could count on in an actual emergency. It has also allowed friendships to grow closer I am very aware after almost two decades of fake friends the concept of real friendship still feels a little alien, and there are times when I have to check myself because I have been sat there for an hour just talking about me. Luckily they are patient with me and I am as honest as I can be with them, I have the social skills of a monkey but I am trying and still growing my social circle. I want 2019 to be the year that I really focus on female friendships and the year that I become a better friend.
Everything and nothing is scary.
This year I have done so many things that have scared the shit out of me on almost on a daily basis and the honest truth is that everything is scary but once done nothing is scary. We end up so scared of the what ifs, that it almost stops us doing anything.
What if we get rejected? What if it doesn’t work? What if there is something in the water?
When do we ever say What if this turns out to be the best thing I have ever done? What if this changes my life? What if it makes me happy?
Human nature will always put the worst case scenario in front of us and it is our job to turn that around. There are a lot of scary things on my bucket list for 2019 including snowboarding and a parachute jump and what if I die? Well, what if I am the greatest fucking snowboarder of all time???
Fuckboys get blocked as soon as I have had my fun!
Not that kind of fun, but in my twenties I was so scared of being alone, partly because of low self-esteem and partly because I had no real friends that I looked for love in all the wrong, bad, fun places. The problem with low self-esteem and fuck boys is that it becomes a vicious circle of abuse. Fuck boys know what they can get away with, with you knowing that your low self-esteem means you will stay. When you finally leave, you end up with another fuckboy because you hope that you have learnt your lesson and want to find happiness.
The truth is I haven’t spent the last year healing from my last relationship. I have spent the last year healing from every relationship I have ever been in. Now I can spot a fuckboy a mile off and “by fun” I mean wind them up and fuck them off! I am certainly never getting in bed with another, well unless he is super hot (old habits, die hard and all that). 2018 has been the year when I realised my self-worth which has raised my self-confidence. My self worth has been raised because I have found actual friendship, however, it has all raised my standards to a point that in all honesty even I think is unrealistic. However, my new self-worth and twenty years of chick flicks knowledge tells me there has to be at least one person that can meet my unrealistic standards.
So, for now, my Whatsapp block list is growing daily and I have fun stories to tell my friends!
Fashion is fun.
I have finally embraced my awful dress sense and I love it, I have spent so long dressing how I think I should that I totally didn’t realise how fun fashion is.
2019 is going to be filled with outfit posts and more of my unique styling.
Laters 2018, it’s been a ball!