”Sometimes we must undergo hardships, breakups, and narcissistic wounds, which shatter the flattering image that we had of ourselves, in order to discover two truths: that we are not who we thought we were; and that the loss of a cherished pleasure is not necessarily the loss of true happiness and well-being.” ― Jean-Yves Leloup
What an emotional roller coaster the last 40 days has been, most of you will know that I started the 40 new things in 40 days as a way to help heal my broken heart. I was convinced that by keeping busy I would not think about it so much and it would start the healing process and keep my mind focused. Which it absolutely did, what I didn’t expect was that the challenge would change me in ways I never thought possible. What started out as a way to forget about a boy may have just changed my life forever, so I thought I would share with you what I have learnt about myself in the last 40 days.
I have become more confident!
I always knew I had pretty low self-confidence, not anymore something about pushing yourself out of your comfort zone will do absolute wonders for your self-confidence. Its made me realise how brave and strong I really am and that is nothing to hide away. I have always had low self-esteem when it comes to my body and the way I look, but actually, I am beautiful inside and out and not in a vain way but in the way my soul works. If you are kind then you are beautiful no matter what you look like on the outside. For my whole life, I have been ridiculously hard on myself always criticising instead of praising. Regardless of anything I am trying my best, I am trying my hardest to survive and I am trying my hardest to be kind daily. This challenge has shown me that you have to be your own cheerleader at the end of a hard day you need to be there for yourself. You need to be there to pat yourself on the back. I still have a long way to go before I fully accept myself but I am certainly on the right track.
I want to go on alone!
For the first time in my entire life, I want to be on my own, and for a good amount of time. I am not talking about cutting myself off from the possibility of love but I do want to be single. I want to take the next couple of years to be truly selfish and follow my dreams, I don’t think I have ever wanted to be truly single until now. Something wonderful happens in your thirties when you just practically overnight discover who you are and exactly what your core values are. You also know your flaws and are willing to work on them. I could never have imaged at the age of nearly 34 that these years would be the years I actually want to be alone but I guess things happen for a reason, I gave up on the idea of me ever having children so I don’t have any time issues. I just have this magical feeling that something big is coming for me and my life and I want to be ready for when it does.
Females are where it is at!
The last 40 days has made me realise that female friendships are the most important thing in the world and actually my life was lacking those bonds, which in turn was actually making me feel lonely. A loneliness that no man could ever fill, I had very few people I could actually turn to in real times of need. I have met some incredible women along the way and started on new paths with women already in my life, this is where I now want to focus my time and energy. Meeting new women is something I really want to focus on, amazing things happen when women come together and support each other and I am excited to be a better friend and person.
Nothing scares me!
Literally, everything and nothing scares me all at the same time, I have seen the advantages of just saying yes and figuring out the rest later. I couldn’t ever imagine being scared of doing anything right now or in the future, I am a strong woman that is more than capable of doing anything. And more importantly, I am able to do it alone. It certainly is not that I am not scared but more that I no longer let fear decide the outcome of my life. Do you know what is scarier than doing the thing right in front of you is? waking up a week, a month, a decade from now and wishing you had done it.
My happiness has not be rocked!
Yes, I have been utterly devasted, there have been days when I couldn’t get out of bed and days when I thought the tears would never end. But despite it, all my outlook has never changed, I still believe that everything happens for a reason and everything will be ok in the end. My friends still put a smile on my face even when I was crying. The fact I want to stay single doesn’t mean that I hate men or I no longer believe in love if anything I believe more in love now. Being in love is an incredible feeling and I am excited to be in love again. There are still times when a song comes on or something reminds me of him and yes it does hurt but it does not control me in the same way no one person controls my happiness. People including him added to my happiness but that shit came from deep within me and the absence of one person is not enough to break my love for life or damage the light that shines from within. I still feel exactly the same way about life as I did when I was with him, the only difference is that now I am heading in a different direction.
Let’s talk day 41, do you know what is worse than being dumped because your ex doesn’t want a girlfriend. Seeing that ex on Tinder, that shit will break your heart all over again. So on day 41 I was swiping, I never actually swipe right, I’m not interested in meeting anyone, sometimes I just like window shopping, while doing some window shopping I saw Alex on Tinder, I’m pretty sure anyone in a ten-mile radius could hear my heart break all over again. It is not like you know they are never going to move on but actually seeing it, knowing they have forgotten you already will almost break you all over again. I think that night I cried harder then I have done since the actual break up, but at the same time, it has allowed me to fully close that chapter in my life. I wish him all the luck in the future and hope he finds what he is looking for but at the same time, I feel fully able to now cut him completely out of my life. Although this doesn’t change what we had he is now a different person to me and that is ok but it has also reinforced to me that I do need to stay single for a good amount of time. Moving on isn’t about jumping into bed with the next person but more learning to be on your own and love yourself unconditionally. I am a whole person on my own, so I have now deleted all dating apps and am about to enjoy some serious time on my own.