“I asked her if she believed in love, and she smiled and said it was her most elaborate method of self-harm.” – Benedict Smith
This blog post is so bittersweet, painful and far too personal to write. We all know I’m an over-sharer but somehow I can’t seem to write this post. I don’t know if it’s because it’s too personal, I won’t want to reread it in years to come or because actually writing it will break me. This was the last day of our holiday, the last time we would ever see each again and although it was already over it felt like it was ending all over again.
We spent the holiday avoiding each other because being together would have been too painful. But we decided to spend the last day together and although I have amazing memories from that day, the pain coming home was unbearable and if I’m 100% honest it is still incredibly painful.
For our last day together we decided to spend the day at the zoo, funnily enough, I spent our whole relationship saying how much I wanted to visit our local zoo so it felt fitting to actually visit a zoo. I can’t tell you how weird it felt walking around not holding hands, not leaning in for kisses or even giggling at each other. It felt like I was missing an arm like I remembered what it felt like but not being able to do anything physical about it.
I have hundreds of pictures of us together during our trip to Paris, but this is the only picture from Amsterdam. The only physical thing that showed we were both there together.
After our morning in the zoo, we headed for lunch at a small bar which had the most incredible food. Halfway through lunch, I had to excuse myself to the ladies room where I literally sat on the floor and cried. Talk about a last meal! All of a sudden it hit me that it was over and between that and him talking about being friends I realised I could never be friends with him. I could never watch him be with someone else, I wish him all the happiness in the world but to save my happiness being friends could never be an option.
I quickly reapplied my make up and headed back to him with a smile on my face and finished my lunch. It’s never the boyfriend part of someone you miss it’s the best friend you lose at the same time, it’s the one person who you want to tell everything too. I returned to the table and realised I will never be able to tell him anything ever again.
On a more upbeat note, this was the best sandwich I have ever eaten. Like ever!!
The rest of the day was extremely painful, loving, affectionate and heartbreaking and for once I am not going to write about it. I am going to keep my last memories of me and Alex private, I’m going to lock them away in my heart for only us to know.
This holiday was the hardest thing I have ever done, it literally broke my heart every day and even now as I write this post I have started crying. I’m pretty sure we are all addicted to something that hurts us, there are things we can’t let go of no matter how much we know we should. Letting go would have been staying at home and not putting myself through it. But the truth is knowing what I know now I would still go, I would still put myself through it. I wish him only happiness with his future and hope his life is filled with love. And when I’m an old lady I will look back with only fond memories.
Amsterdam was a beautiful city and now holds a part of me and maybe one day I will return to claim the part I lost. Until then I am healing.