It is so easy at the start of a relationship to ignore the little niggling feeling in your gut that somethings not right. However, that little niggling feeling is the last thing you should ignore. It is the first warning sign that something isn’t right, listen to it before you waste any more time on the wrong person!
1. He puts you down!
Under absolutely, no circumstances should any person be putting you down, not a single person. Not least someone that is meant to be trying to impress you. There is no excuse for this, a partner is meant to be the one person you can count on to lift you up. They are meant to be your cheerleader, your biggest fan and your emotional support. If a new person is putting you down, walk away, this is a sign that they are controlling and before you know it your self-confidence is so low you stay with them because you think no one else will want you. If you are having the feeling that you are overreacting, he didn’t mean it, yes he did and this is how the control starts. A couple of put-downs here and there don’t seem a lot but believe me they will increase. And this is how control works, slow and steady if it was full on from the start then none of us would stand for it, the point of control is that it chips away at your self-esteem. Although this will not be the case every time but do you really to be with someone that in essence lows your worth with their words.
2. You catch him lying.
Just walk away now! Do not sit there telling yourself that “well it was just a little white lie” because you will talk yourself out of the fact that a lie is a lie, and once a person knows they can lie to you once they will continue to lie to you. Not that a lie becomes better or worse with time but what the hell is the point of lying at the start, you don’t know each other well enough to be lying. And how fair is it to fall in love with someone who actually you don’t really know because they lied. Let’s all be big fans of being exactly who we are! If someone has to lie to their partner clearly they aren’t the one because the one will hear the truth and be ok with it. Not every date or new relationship is destined to turn into something great and that’s cool so let’s not force it.
3. Lack of affection.
This might not feel like a deal breaker to some of you, but without affection surely you are just a friend? It was also one of those points that you can put down to “it’s just the way he is” but is it the way you are because seriously eventually that shit will get old and you will find yourself missing it very quickly. Affection is part of being in a secure loving relationship, I’m not talking big PDA’s but the little things, like brushing your hair out of your face, holding your hand or kissing you goodnight. These may seem like little things but are actually big things, they help you gauge feelings, they are the things you think about when you are not together. For example, when I eat too much, which happens often, Alex rubs my tummy until I feel better. This is one of my favourite things he does. When I am full and he is not around it makes me miss him. Or if we go out for drinks and my hair falls over my face he immediately brushes it behind my ears because he likes my eyes, and every time he does it, I close my eyes and wait for his hand to brush against my cheek. I couldn’t imagine our relationship without these little moments and I know I couldn’t bear to be with someone who doesn’t do them. Could you really live the rest of your life without them?
4. He compares you to other women.
Fuck this! If he thinks someone else is cuter, fitter, smarter or funnier let him go and be with her. Open the door, kick him through it and lock it behind him. As women we know we don’t need to compare ourselves to other women, we are all different and we are all beautiful. This comes down to respect or should I say a lack of respect, you don’t need to be anyone else other than yourself and the person you are meant to be with will think you are fucking amazing exactly the way you are. Do not stick with the guy who compares you to others, the reason he is not with these other women is that they have already told him to fuck off. They know their worth and they also know this guy is a fuckboy and not worth their time or energy.
5. You keep secrets from him.
If you feel the need to keep secrets from him then its time to walk away, there is a number of reasons you feel you may need to keep details from him. None of these reasons really matter, keeping anything from someone who you are meant to be able to talk to, have support from is not a great start. Keeping secrets is really like lying, it is definitely misleading and not a good sign of things to come.
6. He’s not you emotional support.
If you can’t go to him when you need someone to go to, what is the point? How a person is with your emotional needs is really the foundation of a relationship. Let’s face it the physical side can be found with anyone at any time, the benefits of a relationship come from the support system the two of you have. There is a reason why wedding vows contain “for better or worse”, if everytime you need support, to cry, scream or even laugh you are turning to someone who is not your partner then there’s a problem. How can you grow closer or even together if actually they don’t see the whole version of you? And there may be reasons for this, I struggle to let people in but I explain this, I communicate my issues and then they see that actually, it is part of who I am and not because I don’t feel I can’t rely on them. Alex knows I will come to him but he also knows I like to figure shit out on my own first, but he waits patiently, ready to support me and even if I do figure it out alone, I still tell him all about it. If you don’t turn to him because you feel you can not count on him well say that out loud to yourself because you already know this is a problem.
7. He’s inconsistent.
Inconsistency is one of my biggest bug bears, I hate that it is an emotional rollercoaster and you have no idea when your turn is over. At the start it can feel pretty exciting, the highs and the lows but believe me it wears thin pretty quickly and all that’s actually happened is that you have been held, emotional hostage. You hear or say a lot that arseholes always have a girlfriend or a boyfriend that is because an arsehole is consistent. Yes he is an arsehole but he is an arsehole 100% of the time, that is the bit about him that you can actually count on. “Indecision is a decision” possibly one of my favourite quotes and over the years has quickly made me break free from whoever was holding me emotionally hostage. Because unfortunately no matter how much you love them and regardless of what day of the week/month they love you it is never going to be worth your peace of mind. You should never need to question where you stand with a person because if you were there one you would know.