“What an immense impression Paris made upon me. It is the most extraordinary place in the world!”                                                                                                  -Charles Dickens


Naturally we couldn’t go to Paris without taking a trip up the Eiffel Tower, and what could be more romantic than doing it in the evening when its lit up so beautifully. During the day I had a vertigo attack so had to spend most of the afternoon in bed hoping it would pass. Anyone who has vertigo before will know that getting it again is a on going fear, I had a full blown attack last winter that left me unable to move for eight weeks. So as you can imagine every time I feel an attack coming on (they can last from seconds to weeks) it freaks me out. Luckily this one only lasted a few hours and I was able to leave the hotel by dinner time.


Which was perfect timing to go visit the Eiffel Tower and her beautiful sparkling lights, we were lucky enough to stay literally two seconds from the Arc de Triomphe and just a 15 minute walk from the Eiffel Tower so Alex made sure I was wrapped up super warm and we took a romantic stroll to see Paris’s best view.


We quickly discovered that all the streets in Paris have been so quiet because they were all waiting under the Eiffel Tower and on the coldest night of the trip. Luckily Alex was willing to risk frost bite to make sure I went up the Tower, and I was going to let him, I’m a terrible girlfriend. This was by far the longest we had to wait for anything in Paris and we probably queued for an hour and twenty which by normal Eiffel Tower standards isn’t actually that bad just bloody freezing.


The risk of frost bite and losing our toes was suddenly worth it all, Paris is a very different city in the dark however she is just as beautiful. So I am about to get super personal now safe in the knowledge that I know Alex doesn’t read my blog, he feels that it would be like reading my diary (personally I think hes just worried about what he might read, although he is super supportive of me doing it) I am not 100% sure about whether his mum reads it or not, so Hi Linda (just in case). Right to the personal bit………


Me and Alex are yet to say I love you to each other, if you have been reading about me and Alex from the start then you will know that I did say I love you way back at the end of June to which he didn’t feel the same and after his lack of commitment I decided to call it a day. I am far too old to be messed around by a guy no matter how cute, so I begun the process of moving on. I spent a month in bed crying, followed by a month of serial dating, we all kill our pain in different ways, the process helped and the feeling I once had began to fade and I was pretty much over him when he came back into my life. As you can imagine the second time round I have been so much more cautious, I certainly have not been quick to let him back in and I am definitely not going to say I love him first again. Normally I am all about if you love someone let them know, to which I am all for but not if you have already been down that path and it caused you physical pain, nothing is worth that and no one is worth that.


And I am at the point now where I do love him again and I am not going to lie in full on Disney style romance I was hoping that he loved me now too and that being stood up the Eiffel Tower with all the romance of the Paris lights below us he would say it. Christ I wasn’t asking for a ring or anything just “I love you” and I fully appreciate that he won’t say it if he doesn’t feel it, nothing will kill you faster! But I think once you feel it, you do want the other person to feel it, I am now currently sat in no mans land trying my hardest not to develop any further feelings because I am fully aware that without actually being in love then at the moment there is no real future for us. And I am sure right now that some of you are thinking “don’t be a stupid bitch, enjoy the moment, have fun’. Not so easy when you know someone else literally has your heart and you have absolutely no idea what they are going to do with it.


Not to mention what I could possibly do about it, eventually it will get to a point where I think enough is enough, you don’t love me that is fine but I love me and I am not going to stand around waiting for you to decode your feelings for me. Which may sound harsh and some of you are now going “it takes longer for some people to fall in love” or maybe “he just needs time” both of which could be true. But both of which could just be excuses we tell ourselves, eventually you have to be able to walk away, for your own sanity and because lets face it if someone doesn’t love you after a good amount of time then are they ever going to love you?!


And of course I have a rough date in my head for such an issue, I would never tell him that nor would I try and rush him into loving me but I do love myself and I don’t want to waste my time on something that isn’t ever going to go anywhere. I know this post sounds super negative, believe its not! I do love him and I have an amazing time with him, being in Paris together was incredible, everything is wonderful between us. I just really wanted to talk about the “I love you” stage, because I feel that so many people get stuck here and relationships are not perfect and they are not easy and sometimes you have to follow your own heart even if it takes you on a different path.


Back to Paris, at the very top the air was thick with fog or as a I was giggling we were so high we were in the clouds (I literally wonder to myself daily “what is wrong with you, you little weirdo). The views were stunning and despite the lack of “I love yous” I still enjoyed being wrapped in his arms looking out over the world.


Eventually we made the descent down and hand in stone cold hand we strolled along the river in search of a little drink to warm our cores up. Luckily I can sniff out vodka in ten mile radius and before we knew it we were tipsy again.


We twirled through the Parisian streets under the twinkling lights kissing and giggling and cheering every time we caught a glimpse of the Tower from a side street. The whole was truly magical and although there was no Disney style ending the night was magical and something I will remember forever.



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