Firstly I should start this blog post with say I’M NOT PREGNANT, sorry this is not some kind of announcement.
Its more a post about why I don’t have children, if I will ever have kids and that awful statement that I have to deal with all the time “you don’t have kids, you don’t understand”. It’s definitely a kind of rambling post that probably won’t make much sense, but its been on my mind so lets talk about it.
I am now 33 and not being a mum by my thirties was never the plan. Even as a child I was forever torn between growing up to the kind of woman who fell in love, bought a house and started a family or the kind of woman that refused to settle, travelled the world and lived a crazy insane life. As a child I never saw the two worlds combining, I simply saw my life playing out in one of two ways. By the time I left school my biggest fear had become ending up like everyone else in town and settling for the first person that came along and staying in ever night. Obviously I know that’s not what life is actually like but as a 16 year old girl faced with a 100 decisions about your life, that you are expected to know the second you leave school. It was scary and I just went with my gut and decided that settling was not for me so I went university and I travelled. I partied hard, took far too many drugs and I lived every single day in a manner that I wanted to do with absolutely no thought about the future. Every now and again I would consider settling down and I tried, I really tried but daily life would bore the crap out of me and before I knew it I was back into old habits, usually in a new country.
I have had two serious relationships in my life where the men have told me that children would be in our future but when it came time to actually start a family both men said that they had lied to be in a relationship with me. Neither situation particularity made me angry, I just left and returned to travelling and partying, which then always made me think that maybe kids weren’t for me or that, what will be will be.
However now being 33 and starting a new relationship I am very aware that if I do want kids this could be the last chance almost. I realise that having kids later in life is perfectly OK but lets do the math, I am going to be 35 before we are in a point in our relationship when the possibility of having a child is on the cards and at this point he says he doesn’t want any then I have to start the process of meeting someone new and settling down again which then leaves me in the late thirties and childless. Naturally after having the last two men in my life lie to me, I am slightly more anxious about the whole situation and very aware of what it means if it happens again. Of course like all relationships I have made him aware that I might want kids, something that in fact I bought up on the first date. Which was met with the standard guy response “if the right woman”. I never push the fact because I still don’t know if I want kids, which in its self is a issue. I am meant to know? Do I not have the mum gene? What if its awful?
So if not battling all my own issues which I realise are mainly things I have made up in my head. There is the dreaded phrase “you don’t understand, you don’t have kids”, why do you insist on saying this to woman without kids. I am very well aware that I don’t have kids that doesn’t mean I don’t understand. In fact it can be a rather hurtful thing to say to someone who doesn’t have kids and honestly when someone says it to me I just want to scream in their face. There are a million reasons why a person may not have a child, including the fact that they just don’t want them because they don’t want to be tired all the time, they don’t care about the good schools or 3am feedings. So actually they do understand and choose not to go down that path. Doesn’t make them a bad person, us childless people never judge people with children, OK maybe we do. Whenever I go out for dinner I will always ask for the table furthest from the family who bought their children. Not because I don’t like children but because I UNDERSTAND that sometimes children like to make noise which I don’t like during dinner so I take myself away from the situation. This doesn’t make me a arsehole just makes me someone who likes to eat out without hearing noise from a child. So next time you feel the need to tell us we don’t understand, know we do and we chose a different life plan, not a wrong one just a different one.
So there you have it, I told you I would just end up rambling without an actual point. I guess the point is that maybe I do want children and maybe I don’t and maybe I will have children or maybe I won’t go down that path. Even my point doesn’t have a point.