So just recently I have been putting somewhat crypt clues across my social media channels and even on here about having a chap in my life. I have not meant to be so crypt about him but I needed some time alone with him and some time to see if it could work.
And now that I am more comfortable about it all, its time to share a bit more with you all. So here we go………..Remember mystery chap, the guy that made me happy but could not or would not commit, so I walked away because I could not or would not put up with being messed around. Well turns out he can commit and after a couple of months apart he reappeared in my life wanting to commit to me. Fast forward a couple more months and he is my boyfriend and if I am honest he is like a totally different person.
Rightly or wrongly I have never given a man a second chance, for me once its over its over. In fact once I have decided in my mind it is over, it is over no matter whats happened between us, no matter how much they want to change or work through it. Going back has never been an option for me, I know me once I have emotional moved on its over, unfortunately for my partners I usually start emotionally moving on before I even let them know there is a problem so by the time they are even aware I am not happy its too late. I have already 100% decided its over and already started to heal. Certainly not my best trait but it is who I am and I am happy with it.
I am sure we all remember how I was when it ended with mystery chap despite it being me that ended it, there was a solid more four of crying. Then there was the solid four weeks of horrific dating stories in a bid to at least stop thinking about him.
It would seem that Alex (he actually has a name) really did just need some time!!!! Although ladies or gents do not suddenly pick up the phone to the arsehole who has been messing you around for weeks, months or even years. I am absolutely classing Alex as the exception and NOT the rule. For starters if you are considering calling or texting him then already he is the rule because if really wanted you, then it wouldn’t be you picking up the phone. And before you say it, yes he might have text or called you last so technically its your turn, hell no unless he is calling you constantly and turning up at your home/work wanting to actually talk to you then he is not worth your time let alone your heart. If a man won’t commit to you after months of dating he never will, and I know this sounds harsh but it tends to be the truth. We all have a friend or have been that person who has stayed in a relationship much longer than we should have because he was “just really busy”, had a bad break up or some other generic bullshit excuse that deep down we knew was total bullshit but we some how managed to convince ourselves that all they needed was time.
Even knowing what I know now I would not go back and change the fact that I walked away from him. I walked away because his lack of commitment was hurting me, and I needed to end what we were to protect my happiness and my soul. And I am 100% sure that if I had stayed nothing would have changed between us, we would still be just dating now. Although I am feeling more positive about us now, a big part of me is still holding back. My biggest concern when he reappeared was that I wouldn’t be able to fully forgive him for hurting me, that I would end up bringing the past up with nasty little comments. Luckily this hasn’t happened. But I am still holding back, I am still protecting myself from him hurting me again which I think is perfectly normal. When anyone says thinks will be different you need to be able to see those changes, you need to be able to feel them because no matter how much someone whats to change, change only happens with action. And without action you are stuck in exactly the same position as before. I can tell you I want to be a full time blogger which of course is believable, you have no reason not to believe it but unless I actually got off my arse and become a full time blogger then I am wasting all our time with constantly going on about it and doing nothing. And of course some of you believe I could do it and we stick with me but why if i’m not not putting any work into it.
At the moment I am still really anxious about us and whether or not we will work out, I am being better about expressing to him how I feel (another relationship issue I struggle with). The last couple of weeks I have been really anxious not necessarily because there is anything wrong but more because I maybe want to see constant change, I want to be able to see that we are on the same page and going in the same direction. I guess the worry comes from knowing I am invested in this now and need to see more that he is, which I know comes with time and in past relationships I have rushed things too much. Now I am trying to slow down a bit which in turn is causing me to become more anxious.
I am not quite ready to put lots of pictures up of us or document our time together. As soon as I know for sure and stop being bloody anxious about it, you will be the first to know. Just know that I am happy and excited to see if we have a future together or not.