And I said to my body softly
“I want to be your friend”
It took a long breath and replied
“I have been waiting my whole life for this”.
It’s been so long since I’ve written a fitness post it must seem like I have given up and just become really lazy but the truth is I’ve been falling in love with my body. For the first time in 32 years I am whole heartedly in love with my body. And it has made me so emotional, I can’t tell you how much time and energy have spent hating myself over the years.
The last few fitness posts I wrote were about six months ago and I was 21lbs lighter, I was also writing about suffering with body dysmorphia and I was mentally in a bad place to the point of meeting with a plastic surgeon to have a tummy tuck despite being size 8 at the time. I was utterly convinced I was fat and unattractive, I would look in the mirror and all I could see was fat and flaws. I had become obsessed with clean eating and exercising, to which I was doing on average six hours a day. All I could think about was getting smaller and smaller in fact I was so small my period had stopped for nearly six months and my body was struggling with only having 9% body fat.
I don’t know when or how the change happened but suddenly I just stopped punishing myself and started seeing my body in a whole new way. I stopped spending hours crying in front of the mirror, I stopped counting every single calorie I put my mouth. I even calmed down the amount of exercise and I was doing, I started to heal physically and most importantly mentally.
” Our bodies transform, change and heal the moment we bring loving attention to them ” -Monica Koda
Yes there are parts of my body I’m not over excited about I am not in a hurry to wear bikini and my thighs dance to there own beat. If I have a heavy weekend of eating out a second chin pops itself out from behind the first one. But none of these things stop me from loving my body and what it can do, my skin is covered with scars and stretch marks, these aren’t Mark’s to be hidden or ashamed of but rather a reminder to love myself even more. Now when I look in the mirror “those flaws” remind me of what my body has battled through, I even do a little jiggle to watch my thighs dance. Through all the self-hate my body has remained strong and upright. Despite 32 years of hating it, it has never stop loving me, my heart has never stopped, its never even faltered, bones have healed and illnessess have passed. Sure my body has had setbacks I have been laying in bed poorly, I have been so sore I couldn’t move but it has always healed and carried on loving me.
So moving forward I wanted a new fitness goal something that would allow me to push my body, a goal which will improve my fitness and leave me feeling healthier, something fun which doesn’t involve punishing myself. I am at the point of seeing what my body is capable of, I don’t need to torture myself for being the “wrong dress size”. My new fitness goal is to try as many new exercises, sports and fitness activities as humanly possible. Starting with ice skating and skiing lessons, I also want to return to yoga and kickboxing, not to mention giving pole dancing a go, well thighs permitting. I am so excited to use the energy I’ve spent the last 32 years hating myself with, to push my body to new limits and return the love it has gave me.
” Fall in love with taking care of yourself, mind, body, spirit “