You know how every group of friends has that one friend who is unlucky in love, well the other night I realised that I was that friend. Although I don’t feel like I’m unlucky in love, more that I just have had lots of short love affairs. I certainly wouldn’t swap my life, I might swap a couple of my ex boyfriends tho! Over the years I have handled each break up differently, at this moment in time I feel like a bit of a pro at it and it’s safe to say I’ve never died of a broken heart. However I have made a few mistakes during the post break up haze so I thought I would share my top ten things NOT DO after a break up with you……
1. Change your hair // You absolutely love your hair, if you didn’t you would have changed it when you were happy. Over the years I have changed my hair after break ups, after one particularly bad break up I lived with hot pink hair for a whole year. I have even dyed my hair brown because an ex preferred dark-haired women, big mistake I hate my hair brown and some how I thought if I had brown hair then it would win him back. Obviously it didn’t work and I ended up miserable with hair that made me feel worse about myself. Although I highly recommend booking a wash and blow dry because after a week of feeling miserable and probably not showering to often your hair will be in need of some serious tlc. Not to mention someone else washing your hair is possibly one of the greatest pleasures in life, if you need a dramatic hair change then I highly recommend buying a wig or three.
2. Take to social media // Don’t be that girl! No matter how you are feeling, airing your emotions on social media will at some point in the future bite you on the arse. Yes delete them off all your social media accounts because you don’t need that pain in your life, and seeing what they are doing without you will either cause hours of extra crying or for your inner demon to rear its ugly head and cause you to go on a very public rant. The chances are you have grown close to their family and friends and declaring your hate for them for the world to see will cause more of your relationships to break down. Remember kids stay safe online!!
3. Bury your emotions in fried chicken // For the first couple of days the chances are you won’t be able to eat a single thing, but once that feeling passes you will be hungry very hungry and that’s when the trouble starts. Comfort food will be good for your soul and I highly recommend that your enjoy your favourite foods, my favourite comfort food is anything carb based. But you need to draw a line, not a line under your pain it takes as long as it takes for you to heal and that’s ok but draw a line under how much food you consume because once you start to feel better, having to buy bigger clothes will knock you back a couple of weeks. It’s been two and a half weeks since me and Jamie have split up and I’ve gained 4 and a half lbs, which isn’t a massive amount but in a couple more weeks that will be 9lbs, then before I know it I will have gained a stone and that would be very bad, specially for my self confidence.
4. Text that man who has been bugging you for years // You know him, everyone has a guy who sits there in the background just waiting, waiting for that moment when your single. There is a reason you avoid him at office parties or just feel very uncomfortable when he’s around, no matter how low you are feeling, this will make you feel ten times worse. And before you know it he will be planning your wedding and you will be forever stuck with that awful memory in your head for years to come. I once text that guy and told him to meet me at my friends wedding where I was a bridesmaid ( already in a bad place post broke up, plus my ex was best man ). I did the unthinkable after too many glasses of champagne and went back to his room, luckily he was so creepy that I sobered up in ten seconds, came to my senses, threw a lamp at him and left. Unfortunately the damage was done, I was seen going to his room and I got billed for the lamp. Not even my pinky finger felt good the next day.
5. Get drunk // I’m all about nights with the girls and singing very loudly and badly to Beyonces single ladies at the top of your lungs but specially for that first drunk night set rules and hand your phone over to your friends. No snogging random strangers, crying into some guys mouth isn’t a good look, no texting or ringing your ex or guy from point four neither will have a happy out come. Doing jelly shots won’t be pretty at 3am or at 3pm the next day. Basically get drunk in a loving, friendly environment, away from any bad decision making situations and under no circumstances going anywhere there may be a pole to dance around.
6. Watch Rom-com’s // Step away from anything staring Reese Witherspoon or Kate Hudson because not only do you not need to see two of the world’s most beautiful women being beautiful but you don’t need to see an unrealistic love story unfold in a cute way with perfect hair. Don’t get me wrong I love a good Rom-com but post break up I stick to horror films with lots of blood, my personal favourite is I spit on your grave. Classic revenge film with the best bathtub scene in a movie, ever! But it’s still totally ok to dream that one day you will have perfect hair, do something incredibly geeky but cute and at the same time your soul mate ( who looks a lot like Matthew Mcconaughey ) walks by! And before you know it, your on a train platform and it’s raining and there’s kissing.
7. Cut yourself off from the rest of the world // After a break up it is so easy to just give up on going outside and talking to other human beings but you will need those human connections. You will need your family and friends around you. And if you push everyone away they will eventually stop trying because as much as you think the world should stop for your pain it doesn’t. But a big bit of advice is keep a eye on those who tried, after my marriage broke down and I eventually became normal again I cut out about 50% of my so called friends because the one and only time they called was to get the gossip. And I knew I had to cut toxic people out of my life for my own happiness, no one is too busy to pick up a phone and say hey. One of friends last week bought me a pizza and had it delivered to me whilst she was on holiday in Florida, I never expected her to even think of me while she was away, I mean she was meeting Mickey mouse but she did, with all our technology there is no excuses.
8. Throw away all your memories // In my dad’s loft I have an array of brown boxes in all shapes and sizes, all with names and years on. After each break up I go through the house collecting everything that has memories attached to them and pack them all a way. I have never even considered throwing them away because they are my memories, I pack them up and take them straight over to my dad’s to lay hidden in his loft ready for a time I am able to look at them again. And over the years I’ve climbed into the loft and had a little peek, I’ve seen how my life has changed over the last 18 years and how much my taste in men has evolved. You will eventually want those things one day even if it’s just to show your grandkids what a colourful life you have had, you might want to throw them away in a year and that’s fine too! Just remember if you throw them away while you feel hurt, then once that hurt fades you won’t be able to get them back.
9. Stop believing in happily ever after // At the moment you might not believe in happily ever after but I promise you it still exists. I have spent the last couple of weeks telling myself that maybe I’m not meant to find a prince charming, perhaps I did something really bad in a past life that I’m now being punished for. I have even looked over each of my past relationships to see if this is karma. But what if I’m my own hero! I have never had a problem with being alone, so what if my happy ever after is just me living the best possible life I can. I have never needed a man, I never got with a boyfriend because I needed one, but just because I wanted them. My happy ever after might be waking up alone in a house I own alone, eating cake for breakfast, whilst my dogs run around my feet. Maybe I will have a library instead of a living room or a walk in wardrobe instead of a spare bedroom. Or maybe it’s waking up every month in a new country, call me silly but my happy ever after is definitely in my control.
10. Make any life changing decisions! // The truth is break ups are hard and painful regardless of who or why it ended so until you are feeling 100% better do not make any life changing decisions, in the last week I have gone to saving for my own home, spending a year traveling, moving to Spain to be a holiday rep. I have been going around in circles bouncing from idea to idea, not to mention there was an hour when I was going to be a groupie for an aging 1980s hair rock group. Although for months I have been considering getting a throat tattoo although I am waiting on that one til I’m back to normal.
And there you have it, my ten things not to do post break up, which I enjoyed writing so much that I’m going to do ten things to do for tomorrow’s blog post, hope it didn’t bore you too much.