Fitness // 020

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Usually my weekly fitness post is one of my favourite posts to write, I get super excited to share with you my feelings on fitness, what I’ve been eating and what new exercise I have been doing. But today’s post isn’t so happy and for me it’s a little sad but in the last week I’ve come so incredibly close to just giving up. I even missed last Friday’s fitness post because these last two weeks have been so incredibly hard on me mentally that I almost forgot exactly how far I’ve come.

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If you are up to date with my weekly fitness posts you will know that I’m constantly struggling with my body image and how I look as well as not having a period for the last three months for absolutely no reason. Well eventually it all got too much me, I was so mentally and physically exhausted that I just kind of shut down. I have pretty much spent the last two weeks lay on my sofa deciding to get fat again with the odd gym session and health meal but mainly laying down eating ice cream. I can’t tell you just how many times I tried talking myself out of it but never really motivated myself to get out the mood. I was becoming more and more frustrated with my lack of period, I have seen my doctor who said it was perfectly normal to miss a few however I’ve never even been a day late in my life. You know that awful bloated feeling you get just before when you could eat everything in sight, well I had constantly had that for the last four weeks. All of a sudden I didn’t feel like myself anymore I was eating crap and feeling like crap with no way out of this awful darkness I had fallen in.

Eventually last Monday I stood on the scales in my dirty pjs and realised I had gained four pounds (  I know that doesn’t seem like a lot, but when you have spent as much time as I have yoyo dieting you know that it doesn’t take long to gain another four pounds and another four ). I got off the scales looked in the mirror and can honestly say I didn’t recognize the person looking back, I was slowly becoming the person I said I would never be again. And all of a sudden a new fire was lit inside me, I literally stood in front of the mirror reminding myself just how far I’ve come, how much my body has gone through and how I can’t just give up for a tub of ice cream. I put my gym clothes on and spent the next two hours working my butt off.

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That was four days ago and since then I’ve done three grit classes, a yoga class and a spin class and although my body still doesn’t feel right, it felt amazing to be back in the gym at least trying to get back on track. I wish I could say the same about my eating, although I’m really trying to get back to my clean eating its been really hard, I’ve been craving sugar constantly and grazing in the evening, I’m going to keep trying tho and every day is getting a little easier.

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It absolutely breaks my heart to write about the fact I almost gave up and I could have easily have said nothing and just pretended that I have not been struggling but thats not why I started these posts, I ever wanted to be one of this fitness accounts you get where everything is easy and they never fall of the bandwagon. But I’m a normal human being trying to get healthy and fit and I struggle and I make mistakes but more importantly I can now safely say I don’t give up, I don’t listen to that negative voice in my head that says give up. I stood right back up when I fall and that’s a pretty good feeling.

To end this blog post on a positive note my period came back this morning which has been the biggest relief, I instantly felt better and less gross so maybe my body just needed a rest, maybe it just needed some junk food. More importantly it has given me some extra motivation to keep going.

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